This is not my typical blog post. I had my usual Wednesday outfit post ready to go but I decided to write this instead. I’m sharing why today is such an important day (besides the obvious), some random thoughts, things I’m struggling with and why I feel like I’m in a rut.
Today marks exactly one year since my Father-in-law came home from having suffered a massive heart attack while vacationing in Maui last year. He spent three months in the hospital and there was little to zero chance he would make it. Well, God is good and he came home on the 4th of July. After a lot of physical therapy, he’s made a full recovery and back to his sparky self. A little bit about my FIL, he is one of the most honest and kindest souls I’ve ever known. We are all so blessed to have him in our lives and more importantly, Milan has a chance to get to know her grandfather. I didn’t get to know either sets of my grandparents which is why it’s SO important to me that she has the opportunity to have them in her life. We spent the day with them today and Milan had a blast.
I’ve been struggling with a few things lately…some very personal things that I’m really not ready to share or may never share. Just want to throw this out there and let you know that it’s ok if you are going through a tough time. You are not alone. Even when it may seem like someone has the perfect life (especially on social media), more than likely, they are struggling. We all have our stories.
The past couple of months, I’ve been frustrated with Instagram, un-inspired and kind of in a rut. I’ve been so busy with Milan, building a new house and some other projects (super excited to share later) I’m working on that by the time she goes to bed, I’m ready to turn in too! She still won’t take a nap in her crib and it’s been months. She used to nap like a champ and I was able to get so much work done during that time. Where did those days go? It all started one day when I put her down for a nap and cried herself to the point where she threw up in her crib. Since then, I felt so guilty and just let her nap while nursing on me. I can’t even remember when this happened! It’s been three weeks since I weaned her so she can’t nurse while she naps anymore. Clearly this has affected her. The past two days she hasn’t wanted to nap at all. I’ve let it go since it’s a holiday. I know I need to sleep train her for nap time but I just don’t have it in me. She is so strong willed and the older they get, the harder it is to get them back on track. Thank GOODNESS she is still sleep trained to sleep at night! I think because she’s such a good sleeper at night, I’ve let the nap situation go. Boy oh boy did this backfire on me! LOL
I really don’t want to complain about Instagram but clearly I’m going to anyway. It’s so frustrating. It’s been like this for years and obviously nothing is going to change. It’s such a large part of my business that it’s hard to not let it affect me. Between the Instagram algorithms constantly screwing us over, LIKEtoKNOW.it changing and how social media has been just saturated with so many bloggers – it’s just become one big ball of frustration for me. It’s obvious that the IG algorithms is affecting everyone across the board but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Ok maybe a little? Because that would suck if it was just my account (lol). It’s just maddening that you work hard to create content yet it doesn’t show up in peoples feeds that follow you therefor likes and engagement is down. How sad that we now live in a world that the number of likes you get on a photo directly affects your mood and in a lot of cases, your income.
I started to doubt my blog, my purpose, my creativity and myself in general. This social media thing is NO JOKE. It can be so unhealthy yet it’s such a huge part of my business that I simply cannot ignore the numbers. I’ve been blogging since 2010…full time since 2015 and it’s amazing how much this whole “blogging” industry has warped into kind of a monster. Don’t get me wrong, I still love what I do but it’s just daunting when I scroll through my IG feed and see the same travel photos, same poses, same outfits and even same verbiage over and over and over again. It seems like everyone is a wannabe travel blogger or influencer. How can I not feel inadequate? I know most of what I see isn’t real but it’s so hard to feel good about yourself after seeing everyone living this picture perfect life. Yes it affects me too! It’s hard to compete and keep up especially now that my world revolves around Milan.
I used to be SO guarded and private. I never shared anything personal about myself, what I did for a living or even what city I lived in. I was afraid of judgement, criticism, trolls…the list goes on and on. When I was finally brave enough to share my miscarriage post, my guard slowly came down. The outpouring of support and women who came forward and shared their stories was overwhelming. That inspired and motivated me to share more about my struggles. I want people to see that there was much more to me than just cute outfits. I’m just a normal girl trying to figure out this motherhood thing while posting cute outfits when I have time and running my business.
After Milan’s surgery at only six weeks old and having to pack her wound for weeks due to a surgical infection completely changed me. This was the darkest time in our lives. Going through an ordeal like this as new parents (and sleep deprived) took a major toll on our marriage. Thinking back, I struggle to write about this as it brings up so many emotions and painful memories. After her recovery, I stopped caring about stupid stuff. The things that mattered before no longer existed. The only thing that I cared and still care about is the well being of Milan.
Now on to the lovely trolls of the internet and social media. Yes…they do exist and unfortunately there are A LOT OF THEM. Some are probably reading this right now and scoffing. I used to let it get to me but it’s just part of the gig. Anytime you post photos of yourself or put yourself out there, it’s inevitable that people will judge and criticize you. Say whatever you want about me however kids are OFF LIMITS. THE END. Yet there are still people out there that think it’s ok to troll on children. I just got one about Milan today. I was like seriously? I know I’ve talked about it before on Instagram but I’ve never talked about it on my blog. The constant questions about why she wears a turban was getting out of control. I don’t mind the respectful questions or inquiries but when you are rude or negative about it, I will not tolerate it. I had to post a whole explanation HERE just to alleviate me having to explain it 900 times a day. Who cares why she wears a turban or a hat? It’s fine to be curious but there is no excuse or reason to be rude or mean. She is two years old for Pete’s sake! I’m generally a very nice person but the second you start troll on my baby or family, you will see a very dark side to me. And believe me, it’s not a pretty sight.
No clue why I’m writing all this….maybe I’m delirious? I’m beyond exhausted so my apologies if most of my blabbing doesn’t make any sense. I’m literally just typing out what’s on my mind at this exact moment. Hope US readers had a wonderful 4th of July! XO