Pregnant for One Year

Respectfully, if you are looking for a fashion post, this is not one and you can stop reading here.
 
I’ve carried the heaviest emotional load over the past year and need to finally release my innermost thoughts and feelings with you. I’ve struggled about sharing this very personal story on my site but I feel compelled to let my walls down and open up in the hopes of helping even just one person.
I didn’t and still don’t know if I want to put something this personal onto the internet in fear of being taken the wrong way or being judged but I refuse to live my life in fear of what others think or say.  The internet can be a scary place especially when you are completely transparent in sharing your life journey.  We all try to avoid being judged and hated on but sometimes you just have to not care in order to share your story.  We are all human and in the midst of all the “perfect life” Instagram photos, I’m just a normal girl who shares the same insecurities and same problems as you and everyone else.
 

Almost one year ago, I had a miscarriage. That sentence alone feels so cold, sad and devastating to me. It was by far the most difficult time in my life.  How can those few words, cut so deeply?  It feels like it was yesterday since the experience, feelings and pain still replay through my mind multiple times every day.

Until this point, I’ve been relatively neutral about having kids and have never gone through the “I must have a baby” or the common “my clock is ticking so I better get going” phase. I’ve always been laser focused on my career and have always said if it happens, it’s meant to be and if not, then that’s meant to be as well. We were okay either way.

Well it happened and instantaneously my feelings shifted and suddenly I was elated, joyful and overwhelming excited about this new growing life inside my body.  My husband and I changed our plans for the future, now focusing on our child and what plans we had in store.   

On our first doctors visit, the ultrasound resulted in a weak heartbeat.  Both my husband and I remained optimistic, hopeful and strong, telling ourselves that the reason for this must be because we jumped the gun and went to the doctor too soon at only eight weeks pregnant.  Future visits would prove to be the same and each time, we denied that anything negative could be happening to our baby and carried ourselves happily along by affirming positive thoughts and staying optimistic.

Fast forward to March of 2015 at approximately 2:30am.  I was suddenly jolted out of my sleep by a horrific pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.  I have a very high threshold for pain and this was so intense, I literally thought I was going to die. You know we all say this sometimes when we are in pain as an exaggeration but I completely thought I was going to die.  

Through the darkness, I hobbled over to the bathroom clutching my belly and along the way, I blacked out and hit the floor awakening my husband from his usual deep sleep which tells just how loud my fall must have been. I awoke curled up on the bathroom floor, my stomach in wrenching pain, my body trembling and shaking from the frigid cold grip of shock.  I was crying with my husband above me consoling me and not knowing what was wrong. Even though he tried to remain calm with his expression, instantly I could see the terror in his eyes.  I knew in my heart that this wasn’t just  something wrong, it was something devastating.  As my hubby was trying to help me and at the same time assess what could be happening, I weakly mumbled to  call 911 immediately. For someone like me, who refuses to take  an aspirin for a headache or  toughs out whatever pain I am rarely in, asking for paramedic help was major. My husband quickly made the call as my eyelids were closing shut no matter how hard I fought to keep them open.  I vaguely awoke downstairs in my living room as an ambulance  arrived and the paramedics lifted me onto a stretcher and  straight away to the  emergency room.  The whole way there, I was so cold, terrified and scared and prayed for my baby but I knew in my heart of hearts, what might be happening.

I remained in the ER for over nine hours with the doctors running numerous tests including the final ultrasound that confirmed  that I had lost my precious  baby.   Even as the doctor spoke the words, my mind wouldn’t accept the truth and I remained numb from my head to my toes.  When we were finally discharged from the hospital on that cloudy and rainy morning, my husband helped my get into the car and as soon as he also was in and shut the door, we both burst into tears.  Each of our teardrops weighed with pounds of sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness. I instantly started to blame myself and question if I had caused this devastation.  Had I done something wrong? Could I have prevented this?  I didn’t know what to think or how to cope. My whole world had  imploded.  I had lost a huge part of myself and didn’t understand why.  
 
The feeling of shame and guilt was overwhelming and indescribable.  I’ve never felt this type of sadness and pain.  I started to question my own fertility and thought will I ever have kids?  As I said, I always  had neutral feelings about  having children before I got pregnant but  after I was pregnant, it solidified for me that I wanted kids.  Pregnancy changes you in so many ways – it’s hard to put into words and when you have a life inside of you and then lose it, it feels like a huge chunk of you is missing and gone forever.  I was over eleven weeks pregnant and already loved the life that was inside me as if it was with me my whole entire life.  Words will never explain how attached you become to that baby.

I later learned that one in four pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. Crazy to think that’s true. After talking to friends and family, I learned that so many women have gone through this.  It seems like everyone knows someone that has miscarried.  I later found assurance that many women end up having kids after  experiencing a miscarriage.  

I wasn’t sure how I was going to heal and many people told me time will heal all wounds.  I buried myself in my blog in hopes that I wouldn’t think about  what I went through, but that  simply wasn’t the case.  I cried every single day and would  stare at the ultrasound of the little bean that was once growing inside me.  I didn’t think there was light at the end of the tunnel and truly didn’t think I could ever get over this.

Even after assurance that this wasn’t my fault and that it was Mother Nature’s way of stopping what wasn’t meant to be, I still couldn’t handle the weight of it all.  What nobody (other than my husband) saw was the torturous replaying of the events in my mind on a daily basis, triggering never ending tears and heartache.  I couldn’t show my face in my blog photos as my eyes were bloodshot and they simply could not hide the internal pain I was going through.  Somehow, through affirmations, prayer and faith, I managed to get through each day even when each minute felt like a year.

A month later, I was cautiously happy (and shocked) when I became pregnant again.  Now I was even more scared then ever before in fear of  what could happen.  Fast forward nine months later, and I am blessed with the best gift ever given to me, my gorgeous baby girl Milan. Everyday, I stare into her eyes and cry for a few minutes out of happiness and thank God for bringing her into my life.  She is everything to me.  My hubby and I heard an expression one time long ago that said something along the lines of “the sweet ain’t as sweet without the sour” and I believe God provided the first baby in order to prepare my body and womb in order to bring my baby Milan into this world. Thanks to Joel Osteen’s positive messages, I had to have faith and remind myself that I am not a victim, but am a victor!

The point of this post is to reach out to anyone out there that is feeling hopeless or if anyone is going through a similar situation, know that it’s not your fault and that a blessing is right around the corner.  Even though we sometimes need to experience pain in order to fully appreciate joy, great things are about to happen to you so keep your head up!  The hardest lesson I learned was that we are not fully in control of our life or destiny and must allow blessings into our lives even when they arrive after devastation and loss.  If we have faith and trust that favor is looking for you, we can then allow miracles and blessings to arrive.  

As I type this message, I fight through the stinging tears and understand they may never fully go away whenever I think of this experience.  My immediate thought is to apologize for the way I feel but then I catch myself and say, some will understand this post, some will not…and that’s okay.

 

XO, Annie
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  1. Aww Annie this was a beautiful post. Thanks so much for sharing. I’m glad that you have worked through this and are so brave to share. Yes, many women have been through this but this was YOUR baby and YOUR experience and for that, it was special. I wish you and your family the best of luck. I love your positive attitude.

    • Thank you so much. It’s still hard everyday to even think about and it took me almost a year to find the courage to share my story but am really glad I did. 🙂

  2. So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. Still wiping my tears & thanking God for second chances and sweet little miracles!

  3. What an amazing and inspiring post! I love that you just spoke your heart. So happy for you and your husband for your little blessing <3

  4. Thank you for sharing your heart. I too had a miscarriage between my 2 boys. This was almost 2 years ago and I just found myself crying while driving down the highway the other day because something made me think of Baby M. Unfortunately miscarriages are one of those taboo subjects women don’t talk about…but we need to! Helps us to not feel alone. Thanks again and so sorry you had to go through it too.

    • Hi Jennifer, I’m so sorry you went through it too and it broke my heart when I read the part about your crying while driving – I do that too:( It’s crazy how taboo it is and how it’s rarely talked about. I’ve contemplated for almost a year whether or not I should share my story and finally found the courage. I feel like a load has been lifted after posting this…

  5. Thank you for this post. Like you said, one in four pregnancies (25%) end in miscarriage, but for some reason it’s taboo to talk about. (They actually say the number is probably higher, but it happens before people even know they’re pregnant). My first pregnancy, my sister in law’s first, and one of my oldest girlfriend’s all ended in one, and we all now have beautiful children. It is often a painful experience for sure ( both physically and mentally) and that’s all the more reason it should be openly talked about, so others know they’re not alone and not to blame. Thank you for sharing your personal story, and so happy you have the happy ending (beginning) that is Milan.
    Enjoy mommyhoid. It’s the best.

    Kim
    http://www.EverydayStilettos.com

    • Scary that the statistics are probably much higher – so sad. I’m so sorry you had to go through it too. I’m loving mommyhood and grateful for each moment. Thank you for reading! XO

  6. Thank you very much for opening up and sharing your intimate and most hurtful experience. I too had a miscarriage last year and few months later I was pregnant again, thanking God for a wonderful baby girl I can now hold in my arms. It is faith and God that can make all things possible. Praying for you

    • Hi Diana, I’m so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your baby girl. So happy for you. Thank you for sharing what happened and for taking the time to read and comment -means a lot to me.

  7. Thank you for this post! This is exactly what I needed to hear (read)! I have been struggling with infertility for over 3 years now. I gave up trying to conceive about 6 months ago and only recently began to feel a sliver of hope. Today was a hard day though and I just know I was meant to read this post. Once again, thank you and God bless!

    • Hi Jess, don’t EVER give up. I’m sorry you have been struggling these past few years but you must stay strong and positive. God works in mysterious ways and you WILL get pregnant! Keep you head up high, affirm it and know that you will be a mommy one day. XOXO

  8. Oh sweetie! Know you are not alone. I too had a miscarriage last year. I still cry over it from time to time. When we went in for the initial ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. You are so brave for putting this out there. And know God knew what he was doing.

    • Thanks Amber. I’m sorry you went through one last year too – it’s an awful experience huh? It must have been so painful for you at that initial ultrasound. I remember ours like it was yesterday. Thanks for sharing your story with me. XX

  9. Annie, I want to thank you for opening up your heart and sharing this story. I’m sitting here next to my 8mo daughter crying as I read your post. I used to blog years ago, as Petite Dani, and remember your support. I’ve followed you ever since, even though I stopped blogging, and have enjoyed watching you and your blog develop. I’m at a loss of what else to say, but thank you and god bless. <3
    -Dani

    • Hi Dani, omg I remember you! How are you? Congrats on your daughter – so happy for you! Thank you for taking the time to comment – I really appreciate it. God bless! XO

      • Thank you! Congrats on Milan, she’s so beautiful!!! I moved to Japan to teach English. Hubby and I have been here 4 years now, although we’re coming home to the states this summer so the baby can get to know her grandparents. I sporadically post to instagram at @p.ttari if you’d like to see a bit of what I’ve been up to. (Not much in the way of fashion, boo.)

  10. thank you so much for sharing your story, annie. being pregnant is such a gift and i’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. it’s so heart-wrenching to lose a baby and I actually struggled with fertility my second time around too for nearly 9 months. it’s so true that to really appreciate the sweet, you need the sour too and i’m so happy that you were able to celebrate the birth of baby Milan after such a tough miscarriage. sending you all the hugs! xo.

    • Hi Kileen,
      Aw I didn’t know that about the struggle you went through. I’m so happy you have 2 beautiful kiddos – you are so blessed! I can’t believe Milan is mine. She lights up my life so much. Thanks so much for reading. XO

  11. Thank you for sharing this post. I needed to hear this. I’m going through a troublesome period and this just gave me hope. Congratulations to you and your family!

    • Hi Brooklyn, I’m so sorry you are going through some tough times. Whatever the situation may be, just know that tomorrow is a new day and there is light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me so happy to know that this post gave you hope…hang in there and keep your head up – things will get better. 🙂 XO

      • Hi Annie,

        I just wanted to let you know that things are taking are turn for the better. Thank you again for sharing this post and for taking the time out to respond given all that you were dealing with. I truly appreciate it. You’re right – we just have to have faith and hope – there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just as a way was made for me, I know that the same will happen for you with Milan. God bless.

  12. Annie, sending you love and light from Kenya. God works in wonderful ways and He has blessed you with a beautiful girl. Check out this site stillamum.com from Kenya. A friend started it to help women struggling with miscarriages and infertility. Sharing will help someone also heal.

    • Thanks Caroline. I appreciate it and God definitely works in wonderful ways. I feel extremely grateful for Milan – she is my everything! I will check out that site. I appreciate you stopping by. 🙂

  13. Thanks so much for this post. I just found out I was pregnant again after a missed miscarriage in July. Your story gives me hope everything will be ok.

    • Hi Rachel,
      Congratulations! I’m so sorry about your miscarriage – breaks my heart that you went through that. I’m glad my experience gives you hope. Try to remain positive throughout this pregnancy okay? Positive affirmations really saved me and helped me get through so much. Feel free to email me if you need anything 🙂 XOXO

  14. I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through that anguish 🙁 I too had a miscarriage last summer, though admittedly I wasn’t as far along as you were. It’s amazing to hear that you were able to get pregnant again right away, and so wonderful that you now have your precious bundle of joy to hold. I ended up getting pregnant again 2 months later, and I’m now 25 weeks. I hope to have the same happy ending, and I sincerely hope that if you ever decide to try again it will go easily for you. Lots of love!

    • Hi Cassie, Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry for your loss. Regardless of how far along you were, it’s a devastating experience for any woman to endure. HUGE congrats to you for getting pregnant again and so soon afterwards too! YAY! You are over half way there so stay positive and I have no doubt that you will have a happy ending! Sending you big hugs 🙂

  15. How my heart aches for you Annie you are so strong and such an inspiration for many how brave of you to post this. Thanks for sharing I truly believe there is not as much awareness of this as there should be.

    • Thanks Robin – I really appreciate it. I agree that there isn’t enough awareness on this topic. I wish more women would talk about it so that they don’t suffer in silence. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment 🙂

  16. Annie, I wanted to thank you so much for sharing your very personal story on a public site. It is heartbreaking to lose your baby and I am sorry you went through such pain. It takes a lot of courage to talk openly about it. I miscarried in 2014 – it was my second child – and I cried for days. When I got pregnant again last year, at first my doctor didn’t think my baby would make it. I’m happy to share that I gave birth to my son two weeks ago. While I am so grateful for the blessing of another child, I will never forget that I am actually a mom of three even though just two are living. Congrats on baby Milan! The beginning can be tough but I hope you are enjoying motherhood. 🙂

    • Hi Caitlyn, I’m so sorry for your loss. It must have been so tough on you. Congrats on your baby! What a blessing. So glad everything worked out for you and I’ll never forget my first baby – he/she will always be a part of me. Milan is my miracle and so happy she is in my life. I am loving motherhood so much and trying to enjoy every minute with her. Thank you for reading and sharing your story – means a lot 🙂

  17. Thank you for sharing. I too miscarried last year. And even though I’m pregnant now I do think about my first pregnancy. People have tried to comfort me, telling me that it is common but those words hurt more. I realized that miscarriage isn’t talked about openly enough. I’m happy that you are now a mom to a beautiful baby. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with the internet world.

    • Hi Sharon, I’m sorry about your miscarriage. I feel the same way about when people told me how common miscarriages are – that doesn’t help or change my feelings. Congrats on getting pregnant again – yay! So happy for you! Sending you lots of love and prayers for a healthy and safe delivery. Please keep me posted! XOXO

  18. Annie, thank you for being so courageous for sharing your heartbreaking experience. You are beautiful in and out, and so is your family. God bless you, your husband and sweet baby Milan.

  19. I read your post in went in tears. You and my sister are heros in my eyes. I’m glad she’s still with us hanging in there day by day.
    Love our girls.

    • Thank you Mihaela. I cry every time I re-read my post because it’s a constant reminder of what happened. I’m sorry that your sister experienced the same thing. Hope she is healing and getting through it. XOXO

  20. Thank you for sharing something so real and I’m praying for your continued strength. I felt tears welling in my eyes as I was reading. Baby Milan is one lucky little lady. Xo.

  21. reading this brought me to tears. Thank you Annie for your honesty and vulnerability. Even at 14 weeks that is still one of my greatest fears. I can’t imagine your loss, but I marvel at your strength and endurance. God is incredible and still works miracles everyday. I am so thankful you experienced one of them in Milan.

    • Hi Rachel, congratulations on your pregnancy. I completely understand how fearful you are but try not to be. It’ll just drive you crazy worrying. I know easier said than done right? I’ve learned that worrying does nothing and positive thinking and staying strong will help you get through anything. God absolutely works miracles and lucky for me, he gave me one with Milan. I cherish her so much. When you wrote this comment, you were 14 weeks and by now, you are almost 16 weeks right? Keep me posted – I’d love to know/hear updates 🙂

        • Omgoodness! Soooo excited for you! My baby girl was too shy at the first gender reveal (had her legs crossed) so we had to wait until 20 weeks or so:)

          • We found out we are having a little boy!!! He was all curled up at first but the tech jiggled him around a little and he uncurled! It was pretty obvious after that haha!

          • OMG Rachel! Congrats!!!!! So happy for you! Thank you so much for updating me…I can’t wait to see pics! Hope you are doing well and resting up! 🙂 XOXO

  22. Annie, such a tender and beautiful story. I am sure you have touched many lives in a special and incredible way. May God continue to watch over you and your precious family…

    • Thank you Suzy. I hope my story helps and if it touches done persons life, then it was worth it. Thank you for your kind words – truly appreciate it. XO

  23. Hi Annie,

    So sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing such a personal and inspiring post. I know exactly how you feel. Most women who go through miscarriages don’t talk about it, but I wish more women did so we don’t feel so alone. Take care.

    • Hi Candice, I wish more women talked about it too. It’s so important for us to come together and be there for one another. Even in the cyber world, it’s amazing what kind of connections we can make. My goal in getting this post out there was to encourage others to talk about it and through that heal and help one another get through the healing process. I don’t think I will ever completely heal or get over my loss. Thank you for reading 🙂

  24. Thankyou for sharing this post Annie. I completely understand how you feel as I too had a miscarriage and it wasn’t until then that i realised how much i truly wanted a family. Unfortunately for me it’s been 3 years of trying since my miscarriage with an inability to get pregnant for unknown reasons. Hoping my day comes soon through the help of IVF. It’s a hard journey that women have to go through….and hard for our men who can only watch and feel helpless.
    Bless your precious family.

    • Hi Sarah, Thank you for sharing your experience and gosh I am so sad for your loss. I’m so sorry you for your loss and my heart breaks for you knowing it’s been 3 years of trying. I can’t and won’t begin to even try to understand what you must be going through. I pray that IVF will give you a blessing. Your day will come. Try to stay strong and think good thoughts. A miracle is right around the corner. XO

  25. Oh Annie… I read this post last night but couldn’t find the words… I guess I still can’t. All I can say is my heart aches for what you went through. It’s really unimaginable to me. Thank you for sharing such an intimate experience. Thank you also for just being you. Your little girl is a beautiful miracle and I’m overjoyed in knowing she’s made you a mommy. ????

    • Thanks Sandra. I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment – I think this is the first time you’ve commented on the blog. Even though we have never met, I feel like I know ya through our emails and Instagram. You know that it was a struggle for me to even post anything like this on my blog but after doing so, I feel a sense of relief. I rarely open up or talk about my private life but felt so compelled to share this story. 🙂

  26. Oh my gosh Annie, I am so sorry for your loss and happier than ever that you have sweet Milan in your life! Thank you for sharing this personal story and big hugs to you. <3

    • Thank you Jenn. Milan is my bundle of joy and I couldn’t be more grateful or happier now that she’s in my life. Thank you for reading and commenting. XOXO

  27. Isn’t it amazing to grow and learn all that life offers, both sweet and sour. Thanks for sharing. We grow through such trials and are so humbly reminded HOW EVERY LIFE MATTERS – in the womb and out.

    We miscarried as well and, by the grace of God, came to adopt out son a few years later. He’ll be 5 yrs tomorrow. I’m certain our first baby rests with his precious angel wings right over us day in and day out.

    Even though you run a fashion blog and I a tea room we are wives and mothers first and these experiences make us better at what we do. We see what is really of importance, we prioritize differently, we find joy in the little mundane things and at the end of the day give thanks for all we have.

    I have enjoyed your blog and Instagram posts and look forward to more.

    Warmly, Rebecca “Mrs. B”

    • Hi Rebecca, I love everything you said and couldn’t agree more. Every life matters and even though we never met our babies that we miscarried – he/she was still ours. I’m so sorry for your loss – it pains me to know you had to go through it as well.
      That is fantastic that you adopted a son and he’s now 5 years old. Such a blessing he is. Thank you for the reading and for the support – means a lot to me. XO

  28. Thank you so much for sharing. I can completely relate. I had a miscarriage last June with my first pregnancy and it was the most devastating experience. I cried for weeks and felt completely empty for even longer. Now, I am so grateful to say I am pregnant again with a little girl. I worry every. single. day. about losing her. It’s good to know I am not alone in these feelings. So happy for you and your sweet Milan!

    • Hi Lindsay, aww I’m sorry you went through that. The empty feeling and sadness never really went away for me. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it but am so lucky that Milan is a great reminder that had it not been for that loss, she wouldn’t be in my life. Congrats on getting pregnant again – such great news.

      I felt the exact same way for 9 months about losing my baby, it’s normal and natural to feel that after experiencing such a great loss. I’m not sure how far along you are but know that worrying and stressing isn’t good for you or the baby. All you can do is hope, pray and think positively. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to work out. Best of luck and wishing you a healthy and safe delivery! XO

  29. I had a miscarriage 9 years ago after only 3 weeks… My one and only confirmed pregnancy. Even though it was only 3 weeks, I was devastated and I still get sad about it, years later. I keep praying every day that God will bless us with a little one. I’m so glad you were blessed with an angel after your ordeal! Hugs to you. Miscarriage is the most heartbreaking experience.

    • Aw Callista. I’m teary eyed reading your comment. Whether it’s 3 weeks or however many weeks, miscarriages at any stage is incredibly painful and heartbreaking. I’m so so so sorry for your loss and I hope and will pray that you will be blessed with another one.

      The sadness doesn’t ever truly go away – at least it hasn’t for me and it’s been almost a year.

      I thank God everyday for Milan and sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. She is my sweet angel.

    • Thank you for taking the time to read. I’m not sure what your first name is but I know you comment frequently on my blog and I really appreciate it:)

  30. Aww Annie thank you for sharing your story. As a 20-something woman, this post made me think differently about pregnancy. It may seem naiive, but for most of my life I did not think of pregnancy as brave. I guess it can seem a tad…ordinary? from a distance. The thought of you passing out in pain changes that for me. It must have taken a great deal of courage to try again. Thanks again for going outside the realm of the usual fashion post and sharing a part of your life.

    • Hi Ashley, I completely get where you’re coming from. I never truly realized how amazing a pregnancy was until I became pregnant. The miracle of life itself is unreal and you can’t fully appreciate it until you go through it (at least for me). I have a completely new found respect for pregnant women, mom’s and everyone who has experienced miscarriages. Thank you for your honesty and for reading 🙂

  31. This is such an inspiring post. My husband and I just went through this experience last month and i can honesty say it was the worst thing in my entire life. This post so accurately describes all of the feelings and it is such an incredible relief to know that we all aren’t alone in this. Wishing you, your beautiful family, and all of the women out there going through this the best of luck, love and happiness. There certainly is a rainbow after the storm!

    • Hi Jackie, I’m so sorry you had a miscarriage. Just heartbreaking hearing that you had to go though it. It was the worst thing for me too and I’m still not over it. I don’t think I will ever fully or completely get over my loss but all we can do is take one day at a time. I’m not sure if you are trying again but know that there is always tomorrow and that everything happens for a reason. I hope you don’t give up and that you continue to try because you too will get a rainbow. XOXO

  32. Thank you for sharing, I can totally relate, I have been here and no matter what people said to try to help it always came out wrong “it’s not your time” etc. Every baby bump I walked past was the reminder of what should have been me, every women I walked past seemed to be gently rubbing her bump, it drove me insane! I now have 2 healthy boys but still think of my angel, possibly not as much now as it’s 6 years ago, but the thoughts are never too far away x

    • Hi Donna, thank you for your openness and you are so right, people always try to say that either it’s not your time, it wasn’t meant to be, so many women go through this etc…it still doesn’t change the our sadness or make us feel any better. I’m so thrilled you have 2 healthy boys. Last year to the exact day today is when I had my miscarriage happened and it was a tough day for me. 🙁

  33. Annie,

    In November 2012, I went through a similar situation. I still cry sometimes remembering the sad face of the Doctor telling me “I’m sorry, no beating” at 10 weeks pregnant. I can recognize myself in a bunch of things you say…the (endless) pain, crying EVERY SINGLE DAY for a month, shame, guilt…With difference is the worst experience I can remember.

    On October 2013, I had a wonderful boy that made me undestand a lot of things but, anyway, I still remember with certain sadness the first baby that went away.

    Best regards form Barcelona.

    • Hi Laura,

      Aw I’m so sorry for your loss Laura. I remember everything that night like it was yesterday and it doesn’t get any easier even though it’s been a year. I’m so happy that you have a wonderful boy. I’m so grateful for Milan – I thank God everyday for blessing me with her. XO

  34. Beautiful post, you are so brave! I actually became pregnant first time we tried, and had very easy pregnancy time and everything. Most hard for me has been being a mother even though we have very easy baby, no night wakening or anything. I don’t know why being mother is so hard for me. Our baby is now 1 year old and i am slowly getting used to all the nursering during the day. In december i became pregnant again and i made a decision to make abortion cause i am not ready for another child yet, if ever. Good luck to you 🙂

    • Hi Fiia, It sounds like you have been blessed in so many ways. Motherhood is the toughest job there is so you are not alone. Nursing is not for the faint of hearts either. Milan nurses almost every 1-2 hours. It’s exhausting and hard but I’m so happy I’m able to breast feed her. Thanks for sharing your story 🙂

  35. Thanks for sharing. It’s amazing how many people have gone through the same thing but have been too scared or ashamed to talk about it. I had an ectopic pregnancy many years ago.. although it was unplanned, i was devasted at the loss and still think about what could have been from time to time. I know that everything happens for a reason and that baby just wasn’t the right one for me but I only hope to be blessed with at least one child one day..
    Take care and congratulations on your cutie daughter.

    • Hi Ms ME, I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁 I had no idea how many women have experienced a miscarriage. I’m sure the numbers are much higher than what the statistics show since it’s rarely talked about. I almost didn’t share my story and it took so much out of me to find the courage and strength to go live with this post. I pray you will be blessed one day soon. Lots of love to you 🙂 XO

  36. Thank you for sharing your story. I think is not a taboo theme but the pain is so huge that you struggle every day to bear it. Only time gives the power to talk about it.
    All the best with Milan. I mum of two girls Laila (9) and Nis (5) and almost (but in my heart always) aunt of baby Alice (28 weeks). My sister is my hero every day since 17.July.2014. All women are heros to live again and have kids after such a huge tragedy.

    • Hi Mihaela,

      Congrats on both of you two girls – what a joy that must be! I’m so sorry for your sisters loss. She was 28 weeks? That must have been so tough. I hope she was able to conceive again after that.

  37. Wow thank you for sharing your story, I had a similar experience with my 1st miscarriage and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone and that other women have had similar experiences.
    It’s such a scary experience that nobody warns you about. I spent all night in the E.R. and nobody would tell me this is normal and you are having a miscarriage and it’s normal. After 4 miscarriages I am blessed with two amazing boys and the anguish I went through just make me appreciate being a mother that much more. Also wanted to say your daughter is adorable!!

    • Hi Jamie,
      You are so amazing. 4 miscarriages? I can’t even begin to know what that would feel like. I’m so happy you were blessed with 2 wonderful boys. Going through a miscarriage most definitely makes us appreciate being a mother that much more. You are so strong for making it through and persevering! Hugs XO

  38. Your story is so touching. I had to hold back tears. A quote came to mind and I thought it was fitting to anyone who had to go through a miscarriage.

    It goes “Is
    it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they
    seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that
    resists endings…Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal
    beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.The
    more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize
    that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely
    interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small…How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.” -Dieter F. Utchdorf.

    I know our personal/religious beliefs may differ, but I strongly believe you will one day be reunited with your precious firstborn. More than that I know that you have a loving Heavenly Father who is so acutely aware of you and whatever pain you’ve been through. You need never feel alone. I know He will take good care of your little one and He will take good care of you while you are temporarily separated. Love and prayers <3

    • Thank you for sharing the quote – love it. I will never forget my 1st baby even though I didn’t get a chance to meet him/her. I’m looking at Milan sleeping as I type this and feel so whole. Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. 🙂

  39. That is a very poignant post Annie and very touching. There are many women who go through this and deal with the grief by not sharing and suffering in silence. By sharing, you have shown the world it is ok to grieve and that it is ok to move on. I’m glad you’ve had your second chance. Enjoy your miracle.

    • Hi Cookie,
      Thank you for reading. It was tough to share but I’m glad I was able to reach out and touch so many women. The outpouring of support and women who were brave enough to share their stories was so touching and overwhelming. I know you’ve been a long time reader and I truly appreciate you.

  40. Beautiful post. I too had a miscarriage last march. After going through that i was told, as were you, that most women have a miscarriage and can later become pregnant again. I realized that it is a taboo topica and not even the doctors explain well what to expect. For this reason i apreciate your post and your use of this platform you have to open up discussion of a taboo topic.

    • Hi Rebecca, so so sorry for your loss. I hope you are okay. It’s such a personal and difficult topic to talk about and I hope more women will be able to talk about it. By writing this post and seeing all the responses, it has helped my healing process and I hope it’s helped others. Thank you for reading. 🙂

  41. Thank you for sharing. Your words have helped in the healing of my own wound of losing a child…. blessed is your daughter to have you as a mother…

    • Hi LC, I’m sorry for your loss. I hesitated for the longest time about sharing such a private matter. Words can’t fully convey the emotions that we go through or the sadness that we feel and continue to feel no matter how much time passes. I’m so lucky to have Milan and hope you have been blessed as well. XO

  42. Annie, I experienced a miscarriage about 4 months ago. It still tears me up inside when I think about it. My husband and I are praying for a miracle, and I’m glad to see you already have yours. Thank you for sharing your story. It brings me so much hope that I too will receive my miracle.

    • Hi Yeng, Thank you for being so open and sharing. I’m sorry for your loss:( It’s the most difficult and heartbreaking experiences a woman can go through – losing a baby is indescribable. Stay hopeful, strong and don’t EVER give up!

  43. Thank you so much for sharing this. Although I understand why you would be reluctant to share your story, you have done something very brave. Miscarriage is often something that women are ashamed to discuss. I know, because I just went through a miscarriage two months ago. It was and continues to be the most devastating experience of my life. I am so grateful to you, and women like you who openly share their experiences. You are using your voice to connect women, and to make us realize that we are not alone in the pain that is a result of pregnancy loss. I am inspired to write, speak, and support other women who are going through a similar experience. Furthermore, I am so thrilled that you were able to conceive again and give birth. In a year from now, I hope to be able to share the same story. Sending warm thoughts your way.

    • Hi Jen,
      I was ashamed for so long and it took a long time for me to stop feeling ashamed. I had to dig deep. I’m so sorry for your loss. It truly is the most devastating experiences but it does get better each day. It’s been a year for me and although I still think about it every single day, I try to focus on what I do have and not what I’ve lost. I hope you will come back a year from now and tell me the good news. Sending you lots of prayers and remember to keep your head up and stay positive. XOXO

  44. Thank you for this post—you are so brave to share this inspiring story for everyone and truly a beautiful person inside and out. My mom also had several miscarriages before she had me—after the rain comes the rainbow. 🙂

    • Hi Helen, that is wonderful that you are a rainbow baby. I just recently found out about this. Your mom sounds like a brave soul and so glad she was blessed with you after experiencing so many miscarriages.

  45. What a beautiful post! I went through the same thing and now I have my miracle in my arms and because of what I went through I treasure each moment more and more! God is always faithful… Never let us down! I’m very happy for you

    • Hi PedroPolly, I’m so happy you were blessed with a precious baby after a miscarriage. I’m looking over at Milan and smiling as she is getting up from her nap. lol Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me. XO

  46. I’m just now seeing this and wanted to thank you for sharing <3 When I met my husband 10 years ago, I 110% didn't want any more children! I already had a 9 year old at that time, I was 16 when I had him. Just a few months into our relationship, we got pregnant. I wasn't happy at first, but then we decided ok this is it! My body never miscarried on its own, We saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks and started spotting at 12 weeks. ER confirmed the baby stopped growing at 7.5 weeks. I blamed myself for not wanting this baby at first. I was so depressed, totally obsessed with getting pregnant again. And we did, 3 months later and he's now a wonderful 8 year old. My MIL said things things like 'if that didn't miscarriage didn't happen, you wouldn't have Acyn' and I've heard other idiotic comments from well meaning people (eye roll) but I think a part of me will always be sad of what could have been (was it the girl I'll never have etc). More women should share their experiences, it definitely helped hearing from friends and even strangers on the internet xoxox

    • Hi Jennifer, You are amazing for sharing such a personal experience with me. I truly appreciate it. Congrats on your 8 year old – what a blessing he is! A part of us will always be sad and hold a special place for the little bean we lost. Even though we’ve never met, know that I feel your pain and understand what you went through. Thank you for sharing your experience with me – I truly appreciate it. XOXO

  47. Dear Annie, thank you so much for sharing. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I was reading your post, because it was so similar to my experience. I also lost my baby at 12 weeks gestation and my due date would have been 4/24/14 so around this time of the year I’m usually a mess. People (friends and family) have told me I need to get over it but many don’t understand you can never get over the loss of your child. I learned to go on with my life by taking it a day at a time, but I’ve never forgotten my baby, like you said there was a life growing inside of us and that connection we felt can never be erased. On a happier note, your baby girl is absolutely beautiful and is truly a miracle. Good luck with everything. Take care. Love from TX. <3

  48. Hi Brooklyn,
    I am SO SO SO happy to hear that things are better! Even though we don’t know each other, you can always email me if you want to chat. Sometimes even talking to a stranger via email (sounds weird..lol) might help. I’m here if you need me! XO

    • OMG, thank you very much!! I greatly appreciate. Feel free to reach out to me as well anytime!

  49. Dear Annie, some months ago when i was reading this post I was in tears knowing your hard way and also being thankful to God he gave you another blessing.. but today Im reading it again and even more tears running down because today I’m exactly in the same situation.. Exactly one week ago I found out im 5 weeks pregnant and one week later I went through that hell..well Im still there.. Im not going to describe how I feel bcoz you know exactly how it is.. exactly the same questions and feelings are running in my head.. So much pain and emptiness inside.. But I just wanna tell you THANK you for sharing your wonderful story.. You are right, we are not alone and so many other women went through this.. but everything what God gives us has a meaning and most of the time the blessing is coming after.. Thank you for your words of support that are helping me today.. Now I have to go through my physical and mental recovery and I pray every day for our happiness to come to us very soon again.. God Bless you, your family and beloved ones.. Big hugs to you!

    • Omg Vesna. I’m so so so heartbroken for you. I want to properly respond to you so let me finish up and come back and share my thoughts. Be back soon:(

      • Thank you dear.. Looking forward to reading your message. I also would be very thankful if you could share with me your experience on what helped you to recover. Thank you in advance.

        • Hi Vesna,
          I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. I didn’t want to be distracted and wanted to take my time. I am so so so sorry that you are going through this. Nothing I say will take the pain away but know that everything happens for a reason. I know, easy for others to say right? Miscarriages are SO SO heartbreaking and no matter how much you try to understand it, nothing changes how you feel inside. On the other hand, they happen because it’s our body telling us something wasn’t right and it’s not the right time. I had trouble digesting these words and didn’t fully understand what that truly meant until Milan was born. These things happen because God does have a plan and something bigger and greater will happen for you. You have to trust that your body knew it wasn’t ready if that makes any sense. What did I do to heal? Honestly, I don’t think I will ever fully recover from it. Time does heal all wounds and not a day goes by that I don’t remember that night or feel a loss in my soul for my baby. I think the best thing you can do for your heart and soul is to allow yourself time to grieve. Cry if you need to and make sure you don’t blame yourself. This is VERY IMPORTANT. It is NOT your fault and you did NOTHING wrong. You couldn’t have done something to prevent it, it’s in God’s hands. You too will have your miracle and rainbow baby just like I did. Most importantly, you have to stay positive and have faith. Hope this helps and feel free to write anytime you need someone to talk to. Many hugs and blessings! XOXO

          • Dear Annie, Thank you so much for your kind message and such great words of support that make me feel better and stronger! I do appreciate you took your precious time to write me! Thank you very much!
            I fully agree with every single word you say – everything happens for a reason and such cases give us a message that it is not the right time, that we still must work on something else first – whether it is your body or mind or anyting else..but seems like it was not the right time. Last week was really hard for me.. and yes, I did cried a lot because i needed to and it helped me.. also going through a lot of thinking, re-evaluating many things, start getting more positive, strong and finally now getting ready to make new steps towards our baby that is waiting to come to us, I do strongly believe in that!
            Annie, I thank you very very much once again for sharing your story with us, it does help those who went or are going through hard days, showing that we are not alone and that there is a GREAT light and rainbow at the end of the tunnel.. It gives us strength, inspiration and faith! Such cases should also let all people appreciate more what God gives us, that every singly day is a blessing! Thank you very much for being so nice, caring and taking each case personally..only those who went through this can understand how it really feels.. But we were born as women meaning God gave us a different mission – we must stay strong no matter what, we must keep going even with the tears in our eyes, we must never give up and never stop having faith knowing that happiness is only inside of us! Life is not always easy and logical but it is so beautiful! We must thank God for everything he gives us because it is always another life lesson that we must go through to appreciate and to re-evaluate what we already have. But never forget that God always gives another chance for a MIRACLE to come!
            My dear Annie, I am soooo happy for you seeing how beautifully your little pricess grows, Im happy for your family and wishing all of you to stay in a good health, peace and love! All the best to you! God bless! Big and strong hugs! XOXOXO

  50. I’ve been out of touch lately and just checked your post. I’m deeply sorry for your loss and what you went through. It is absolutely not your fault and if you believe in God, know that he always have a better plan for you. This life on earth is not permanent. We get so attach to life always want more but We should be happy with what we have. You have a beautiful daughter and be thankful for that. The hardest thing in life i think is accepting what you have And whatever situation you’re in. It’s easy to say but the hardest to do. Once you master this you will become an extremely wise person. Take care