Respectfully, if you are looking for a fashion post, this is not one and you can stop reading here.
I’ve carried the heaviest emotional load over the past year and need to finally release my innermost thoughts and feelings with you. I’ve struggled about sharing this very personal story on my site but I feel compelled to let my walls down and open up in the hopes of helping even just one person.
I didn’t and still don’t know if I want to put something this personal onto the internet in fear of being taken the wrong way or being judged but I refuse to live my life in fear of what others think or say. The internet can be a scary place especially when you are completely transparent in sharing your life journey. We all try to avoid being judged and hated on but sometimes you just have to not care in order to share your story. We are all human and in the midst of all the “perfect life” Instagram photos, I’m just a normal girl who shares the same insecurities and same problems as you and everyone else.
Almost one year ago, I had a miscarriage. That sentence alone feels so cold, sad and devastating to me. It was by far the most difficult time in my life. How can those few words, cut so deeply? It feels like it was yesterday since the experience, feelings and pain still replay through my mind multiple times every day.
Until this point, I’ve been relatively neutral about having kids and have never gone through the “I must have a baby” or the common “my clock is ticking so I better get going” phase. I’ve always been laser focused on my career and have always said if it happens, it’s meant to be and if not, then that’s meant to be as well. We were okay either way.
Well it happened and instantaneously my feelings shifted and suddenly I was elated, joyful and overwhelming excited about this new growing life inside my body. My husband and I changed our plans for the future, now focusing on our child and what plans we had in store.
On our first doctors visit, the ultrasound resulted in a weak heartbeat. Both my husband and I remained optimistic, hopeful and strong, telling ourselves that the reason for this must be because we jumped the gun and went to the doctor too soon at only eight weeks pregnant. Future visits would prove to be the same and each time, we denied that anything negative could be happening to our baby and carried ourselves happily along by affirming positive thoughts and staying optimistic.
Fast forward to March of 2015 at approximately . I was suddenly jolted out of my sleep by a horrific pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I have a very high threshold for pain and this was so intense, I literally thought I was going to die. You know we all say this sometimes when we are in pain as an exaggeration but I completely thought I was going to die.
Through the darkness, I hobbled over to the bathroom clutching my belly and along the way, I blacked out and hit the floor awakening my husband from his usual deep sleep which tells just how loud my fall must have been. I awoke curled up on the bathroom floor, my stomach in wrenching pain, my body trembling and shaking from the frigid cold grip of shock. I was crying with my husband above me consoling me and not knowing what was wrong. Even though he tried to remain calm with his expression, instantly I could see the terror in his eyes. I knew in my heart that this wasn’t just something wrong, it was something devastating. As my hubby was trying to help me and at the same time assess what could be happening, I weakly mumbled to call 911 immediately. For someone like me, who refuses to take an aspirin for a headache or toughs out whatever pain I am rarely in, asking for paramedic help was major. My husband quickly made the call as my eyelids were closing shut no matter how hard I fought to keep them open. I vaguely awoke downstairs in my living room as an ambulance arrived and the paramedics lifted me onto a stretcher and straight away to the emergency room. The whole way there, I was so cold, terrified and scared and prayed for my baby but I knew in my heart of hearts, what might be happening.
I remained in the ER for over nine hours with the doctors running numerous tests including the final ultrasound that confirmed that I had lost my precious baby. Even as the doctor spoke the words, my mind wouldn’t accept the truth and I remained numb from my head to my toes. When we were finally discharged from the hospital on that cloudy and rainy morning, my husband helped my get into the car and as soon as he also was in and shut the door, we both burst into tears. Each of our teardrops weighed with pounds of sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness. I instantly started to blame myself and question if I had caused this devastation. Had I done something wrong? Could I have prevented this? I didn’t know what to think or how to cope. My whole world had imploded. I had lost a huge part of myself and didn’t understand why.
The feeling of shame and guilt was overwhelming and indescribable. I’ve never felt this type of sadness and pain. I started to question my own fertility and thought will I ever have kids? As I said, I always had neutral feelings about having children before I got pregnant but after I was pregnant, it solidified for me that I wanted kids. Pregnancy changes you in so many ways – it’s hard to put into words and when you have a life inside of you and then lose it, it feels like a huge chunk of you is missing and gone forever. I was over eleven weeks pregnant and already loved the life that was inside me as if it was with me my whole entire life. Words will never explain how attached you become to that baby.
I later learned that one in four pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. Crazy to think that’s true. After talking to friends and family, I learned that so many women have gone through this. It seems like everyone knows someone that has miscarried. I later found assurance that many women end up having kids after experiencing a miscarriage.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to heal and many people told me time will heal all wounds. I buried myself in my blog in hopes that I wouldn’t think about what I went through, but that simply wasn’t the case. I cried every single day and would stare at the ultrasound of the little bean that was once growing inside me. I didn’t think there was light at the end of the tunnel and truly didn’t think I could ever get over this.
Even after assurance that this wasn’t my fault and that it was Mother Nature’s way of stopping what wasn’t meant to be, I still couldn’t handle the weight of it all. What nobody (other than my husband) saw was the torturous replaying of the events in my mind on a daily basis, triggering never ending tears and heartache. I couldn’t show my face in my blog photos as my eyes were bloodshot and they simply could not hide the internal pain I was going through. Somehow, through affirmations, prayer and faith, I managed to get through each day even when each minute felt like a year.
A month later, I was cautiously happy (and shocked) when I became pregnant again. Now I was even more scared then ever before in fear of what could happen. Fast forward , and I am blessed with the best gift ever given to me, my gorgeous baby girl Milan. Everyday, I stare into her eyes and cry for a few minutes out of happiness and thank God for bringing her into my life. She is everything to me. My hubby and I heard an expression one time long ago that said something along the lines of “the sweet ain’t as sweet without the sour” and I believe God provided the first baby in order to prepare my body and womb in order to bring my baby Milan into this world. Thanks to Joel Osteen’s positive messages, I had to have faith and remind myself that I am not a victim, but am a victor!
The point of this post is to reach out to anyone out there that is feeling hopeless or if anyone is going through a similar situation, know that it’s not your fault and that a blessing is right around the corner. Even though we sometimes need to experience pain in order to fully appreciate joy, great things are about to happen to you so keep your head up! The hardest lesson I learned was that we are not fully in control of our life or destiny and must allow blessings into our lives even when they arrive after devastation and loss. If we have faith and trust that favor is looking for you, we can then allow miracles and blessings to arrive.
As I type this message, I fight through the stinging tears and understand they may never fully go away whenever I think of this experience. My immediate thought is to apologize for the way I feel but then I catch myself and say, some will understand this post, some will not…and that’s okay.