Closing a Chapter

Today was bitter sweet.  I finally closed on my Newport home.  I thought I would be jumping for joy but…

I have mixed feelings.  The sale of my home was the last thing that I needed to get done to close that chapter of my life.  I almost felt like I couldn’t move on until that was completed.  I’m mainly writing this blog post for my future self.  I honestly thought that I would be celebrating the closing but to be honest, it was sad and very difficult.  As much as I try to be strong and tough, I’m human.

I feel like I’m in a great head space right now and I am very happy however closing this chapter of my life is surreal.  I almost don’t know how to digest it.  I can only describe it as bitter sweet.  I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason but does that make the pain any less?  Not really.  If I’m being completely transparent, I’m hurting.  I’m scared.  I’m afraid I won’t be a good enough mom or be able to raise Milan on my own.  It’s crazy all these feelings I have right now in this moment.  It’s hard to convey into words what I’m going through.

While everyone is talking about the Nordstrom anniversary sale, I can barely think straight.  I wasn’t prepared to feel what I’m feeling.  I’m hoping by writing it out, it’ll help me heal.  It’s been a long journey and I still have a long ways to go.  I have to hang in there and stay strong for Milan.  Thank you for supporting me along the way.  Love you guys. XO

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  1. Sending healing vibes your way. You’ve been a fantastic Mom for Milan all along. You got this. I’m so sorry for the mixed feels today. I have been there too – it does get better, although it probably does not feel like it some times. Give yourself time, you’re handling this very difficult situation like a boss.

  2. No need to doubt yourself because you are doing it now! And a great job I might add! Stay strong and have faith. You also have your amazing family. I think it can only go up for you!

  3. You can do this, you have already done the hard part. You two girls are going to be just fine. Stay strong 💪

  4. I am so very sorry for your pain. Sometimes we cannot understand the reasons. I have such great peace that what I know about my God is so much better than any explanation I would ever get for the pain that I have suffered through. I get more confidence the more I KNOW HIMI hope that, especially when you are feeling lonely and scared and not enough, that you will talk to God and be raw and real. That’s what prayer is! He is real, and He does know what suffering is, and he cares about you more than you could imagine. I just read this week that Jesus, who I believe wholeheartedly in, was a man of sorrows. He wept for his friends and for the suffering. He cared for the children and came to die for everyone. God made us in His image, and He has emotions, so we have emotions. You apparently loved your spouse very well. Even while being treated and spoken to the way you were, you assumed this was forever. Your heart was in it for the long-haul. This will leave you with great pain because you loved so much. I see very clearly how much you love your precious daughter. She will be so much stronger after seeing your resolve while going through this. She will be stronger! Suffering shines a light that we could never see without it. You have a wisdom that so many do not have- you will use it to help others in the future I know, especially your daughter. This wisdom came through, and will continue to come through, many tears and angry moments, I’m sure – it has been that way for me on my journey. It’s OK to not be OK sometimes. I always see you moving along with Hope – that’s what God brings! I know that we have never met, but prayer connects us in the spiritual world. We are spiritual beings! Our spirit and the Holy Spirit drives us and moves us along, so we are not just human. Praise God for that! Talk to Milan about the God who made her just as she is-He is her Heavenly Father, and He will give her all that she needs to take the place of what she will miss without her earthly one. I encourage you to get in a community of people who believe very strongly in the one true God. Just surrounding yourself with truth, a wall of truth, will give you such peace. It’s not about behavior, it’s about relationship with the one who created you. This is something that you and Malone can have no matter what waves come crashing down in the future. We cannot rely on our own Strank’s because it may run out one day. Weakness is OK, because there is strength in trusting in our Creator. Humbleness is not weakness, but a wisdom to know that we don’t know it all. Stay humble. Honor God and His truth. You will never go wrong even when you do- He has grace and forgiveness! It’s a simple belief in a great God! Do not let anyone tell you that you can do this all by yourself! You will wear yourself out and exhaust yourself trying to. Let go and let God. Get to know him and find others who do know him and who will pray with you and talk with you and help you with all of your spiritual needs. Prayer changes the trajectory of every path.
    I hope some of this or maybe even one sentence speaks to your heart today! I do not want to preach in anyway, but just share love from someone else who has suffered greatly but has strong confidence that, no matter what, God will see me through. I suffer with 17 autoimmune disorders, and I have suffered through grief and loss and hurt, in my childhood and marriage. It took us 12 years to have a son through adoption, but it was the very best thing for us!! He is PERFECT for us. I just had to keep trusting God and taking the next right step according to his truth and his word and his guidance. I must point you to the one who knows it all! We never will. But God….will bring the BEST!
    Hugs and prayers,
    Sharon H. 🙏🏻💙

    • @sharon wow what a bkessing what a testimony what a way to lift up the lord and me as well !
      Continue being a blessing and light as the spirit of God leads you ! I enjoyed reading your comment it’s helping me now for sure !

  5. What you are feeling is completely normal. I’ve been there as well and I remember the day I moved all of our stuff out of the house prior to the closing my mom took my then 2 1/2 year old daughter and I sat on th floor in our spare bedroom and just cried. The divorce was something I knew was coming for a long time but I was still Morning the loss of a life that I thought would be mine forever. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. You and your daughter will be more than fine, you will continue to be fabulous!

  6. Raising a child on your own is way healthier than raising that child in a toxic relationship. You’re gonna be her idol and you’re doing great!

  7. I never post comments, but wanted you to know that I can relate to how you are feeling. My marriage ended 6 years ago, and I have been divorced for 5 years. I never would have ever thought I would be a single mother of 3 children. Stay strong! God has a plan for you. Thank you for all of your posts. They have truly touched so many lives, including mine!

  8. I have been following. Been through stuff you can’t imagine. Almost 65, but survived someh.
    My family. Backbone. For some reason you look more beautiful every day. Not only are you more beautiful, but you have the mindset to go on with your child and provide her with a great life. Don’t worry, you are made of great things.
    Pamela

  9. It is normal to feel the way you do. It would be concerning if you didnt. Allow yourself to go through all these stages. Cry it out, take to for yourself, reach out to people you love and feel comfortable with. Allow yourself to be comforted. This will make you wiser and stronger. Good luck!

  10. Sending love your way. You will be an amazing mom to Milan. There’s no doubt about it. Stay strong my love.

  11. Just a reminder that you aren’t alone. Seems to me you have an incredibly supportive family, friends and community here that will be by your side through these next chapters. Just keep doing what you are doing and remember that your current family of two is so much stronger than what you had as a family of three.

  12. It is a difficult time and I understand because I was a single mom with my daughter. Give yourself a solid year to heal with all the changes. Milan will be watching you be a strong, independent and make wise decisions for both of you and she will follow you. It is a very emotional time.

  13. Annie,
    You are a strong woman and this too shall pass. Give yourself time.

  14. You’ve got this pretty lady! Not that there won’t be rough days….but you are enough. You are stronger than you know. Milan will see that. I’m excited for you as this opens up new possibilities for you. I will be praying for you.

  15. The pain slowly diminishes with time and you will be able to look back with admiration at how well you handled it. After over 6 decades on this planet (three ended marriages, more than six break ups, over a dozen flimsy relationships) I have come to realize this: Nothing in the material world can bring you lasting happiness. It is a world of polarities; events come and go, and so do people. There is, however, one true source of permanent joy. You will find it via your own personal search, by asking questions that matter, by always staying attuned to your own thoughts and feelings. You are loved — deeply and truly — and nothing can change that.

  16. Awe Annie… Your emotions are exactly what I felt when I had to close that same chapter in my life. I promise you that after all of this you’ll no doubt live the best life & be strongest mama. There are better days ahead & once you are there life is so much better. I can’t wait for you to experience that. In the meantime, you are healing & writing out your thoughts or feelings helps tremendously. Best of luck hun.

  17. Sometimes we aren’t strong and it is ok, too. As a fellow single mom to a teenager with Autism, some of the times when I was at my best were when I was feeling the weakest. The journey is hard, but believe that you are the best mom to your beautiful girl always.

  18. Annie:
    Believe me, you are stronger than you think. What you are feeling right now is absolutely normal and a necessary path to your new life. You are mourning deeply: Mourning for your dreams of being married till the end of time with the same man, for your dream house, for the loss of the nice moments you had with your husband and they are many, I’m sure. Then there is also mourning for yourself, for the Annie that was joyful, hopeful and full of expectations and dreams for the three of you.

    Please continue to get it out of your chest, don’t expect you will heal fast. It might and it will take some time. But as I said you are stronger than you think. Do it for Milan and do it for yourself.
    And please try not to doubt that you are and still will be a great “maman” (mother).

    Take care and please remember : one step at a time.

    By the way, your daughter is BEAUTIFUL!

  19. You are great. I know from your posts that you are a great mom too!! It will not be easy but I believe that you are going to do the very best for Milan.

  20. I never comment either but I wanted to offer you a different perspective. I grew up with a single mom and the biggest thing that shaped my childhood (any my values as an adult) was seeing just how much she loved me and put me first (ALWAYS), her strength, and her determination to give me a great life. You will teach her strength and resilience from all of this, and you will be her superhero. Times won’t always be perfect or go as expected, but Milan will understand that and admire you even more as she watches you handle the hard stuff with grace and love. I know it’s not easy by any means but you’ve got this mama. You’re already doing such a great job <3

  21. Prayers lifted for you and Milan [who is gorgeous just like mom!]…however, you’ll thrive! Best wishes in your transition…

    I say this because countless women trod the path, including myself and several close friends, things seem harder than they are most times. In retrospect, I see how my worries were unfounded…air hugs to y’all from KY 🙂

    May God bless you so richly that you miss nothing of your former life [grateful for the good but not missing it if that makes any sense lol]!

  22. Hi Annie,

    I’m glad that this step will help close this chapter so you can move on. I wish nothing but the best for you moving forward.
    I’ve been MIA because work has been crazy but I’m finally caught up on the blog posts now.

  23. I can see the hurt in your eyes, it’s making me so sad. You are a great mom and you will always do what is right for Milan. I know you are going to find love again, I just know it.

  24. I have never commented before , but I wanted to let you know that you are strong, you are doing the right thing for your beautiful little girl, and most importantly, you are being honest with everyone about your feelings and life in general. Life is hard and I so appreciate that you don’t pretend that everything is perfect and that you have all the answers like so many others out there. Letting your little one see your real feelings and working through them with her and getting strength from each other will be a gift to her and will help you heal. Let yourself feel what you feel and just keep moving forward!

  25. You are being real and going through very real and tough times and emotions. The people who follow your blog (at least I do) appreciate this realness much more than clothing recommendations. I rather see a woman being strong and learning than seeing fake happiness brought from material things. (Even though I do love your clothing picks too). I try to tell myself when I’m having hard days, weeks, months or years. That these bad days have to happen so when good days happen we can appreciate them even more.

  26. I’ll be sending prayers your way. Milan is in great hands (yours) and you are in great hands too (God’s). It is painful, sad, and hard but you will get through this too. Sending you much love your way. (Heart) 🙂

  27. Hi! Thinking of you and Milan. You will make it through!

    Also, when I click to see more posts, the button isn’t working on the blog. Could you please fix this?

  28. I’ve followed your blog for several years now and just wanted to say hang in there, it takes time, but you’ll get through it. Some days may be a little harder, and I understand your feelings of being scared, because I’ve been there too, but you got this!

  29. Be gentle with yourself…allow yourself the time and range of emotions to heal. Above all…know that you are a great Mom and that Milan will see your strength through it all. Finally…it may not seem like it now, but I fully believe that *the BEST is yet to come* God bless!

  30. Thank you for your beautiful posts I always look forward to your stylish ways. Wishing you and your little one much comfort and love as you travel onward through these difficult days.

  31. Everything is going to be Ok! I thought I couldn’t do it on my own, but last month when my daughter turned 21 I felt super happy and proud of myself for raising a strong, independent, happy and healthy woman. I can’t take all the credit, family and friends are always there when needed. I am sure they will be there for you as well. Focus on your daughter well-being and you will heal faster than you think. Good luck!

  32. God will be with you and will help you. It’s normal to feel scared because there are so many unknowns. I remember feeling the exact same way and wondering if I would be able to care for the kids as well. Looking back, God gave me power and showed me how strong and capable I was. Remember…God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), and He will give you strength.

  33. You absolutely will be able to raise Milan on your own but closing this chapter does not mean closing all chapters and the state of affairs today doesn’t signify the state of affairs for the remainder of your life. Your love and devotion to Milan will carry you through the hard times and there will be hard times; being a single mom is no joke. But, being a mom period is real deal. The future, while it is a family of two, may not look like you once thought it would – it will be ok. You will be ok. She will be ok. One day at a time Momma – all any of us can do is get through one day at a time! 🙂 Brighter days are in your future.

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