I started this blog in 2010 as an outlet to destress from my real estate business. It was always an escape for me. I never intended on ever making money much less a full time career from it.
I decided to follow my passion and go full time in 2015 and ironically that is when I got pregnant (twice). Over the years, the market became saturated with bloggers/influencers. Everyone is a blogger, wanna be blogger, influencer, social media star…omg it’s all just too much. It’s extremely competitive and I’m constantly trying to keep up. Not easy to do when you have a baby and your world flips upside down (literally). I lost touch with why I loved blogging, why I started it and why it was important to me. It turned into how much product could I sell and how many people would click on my links and make a purchase so I could earn a small commission (this is one way I make a living in case you weren’t aware). The constant buy this, buy that, this top is on sale, click here….OMG it’s exhausting.
It became all about selling selling selling which is one reason why I left real estate in the first place. I was tired of the real estate game, the non-stop selling and toxic bullsh** that comes with the business.
It’s a double edge sword because this is my full time job. Selling is part of blogging. There’s no way of getting around it. It’s a business just like any other business. It’s all about numbers. It’s hard not to sell yourself or continuously persuade people to click on your links because that is how I pay the bills. If I don’t do that, I can’t exactly continue doing what I love for a living.
Since 2015, my blog has been and still is my only source of income. Finding that balance between selling and staying true to yourself while trying to keep up with the twenty-something bloggers is NO JOKE. This is how I support my family which explains why I work until 2-3 am and even that doesn’t seem to be enough. Why am I telling you this? Because I’ve never really talked about this and I’ve never thanked you for making purchases from my links. Let’s face it, blogging isn’t going to last forever. Instagram isn’t going to last forever either so I hope that whatever adventure I go on next, you’ll join me. 🙂
I honestly have NO IDEA what I’m even saying…I’m basically running on fumes right now so if I don’t make sense, please forgive me. I’m just writing whatever comes to my mind. I know I haven’t been my happy, positive self lately and I most definitely don’t want this blog to turn into a pity party HOWEVER, this is life and this is me. Although I can’t talk about the details of what’s going on, I do want to share my thoughts and feelings. It’s helping me cope and helping me keep a strong face for Milan. So thank you for allowing me to do so.
At the end of each day, I wonder how I’m alive. How did I even survive today? I know I’ve mentioned that the past four years have been SO SO difficult for me and the people closest to me know why. I’ve never aired my dirty laundry publicly and I’ve kept basically everything private. I’m very guarded and have always been a private person so for me to cry publicly on Instagram stories was so out of character. First of all, I rarely cry even in private so for me to pour my heart out and let down my guard was probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I was embarrassed (still am) and humiliated. At the same time, I felt empowered. I felt like okay world, this is me. This is how I feel right now, in this very moment. Raw, real and unedited. I’ve never felt so exposed before and was scared to death. The outpouring of love and support you showed me literally blew me away.
Shirt: Ann Taylor striped tee (similar HERE) | Jacket: Loft denim jacket (similar HERE or HERE) | Jeans: Paige Verdugo petite olive jeans (size 24P, similar HERE) | Belt: J.Crew (similar HERE) | Hat: Sole Society (similar HERE) | Bag: Gucci soho disco bag | Shoes: J.Crew leopard flats
There are so many emotions I’m going through right now that it’s hard to process. I’m constantly saying WTF?! I didn’t even know some of these crazy emotions existed until now. I have never felt this type of pain before. It’s deep. Sharp. Numbing. It’s almost like death or worse. I feel like I’ve lost so much, so quickly yet I’ve gained a whole new perspective. It’s as if everything that didn’t make sense is crystal clear now. It’s hard to explain but that’s where I’m at right now. As much as I want to stay in bed, cry all day and eat bags of potato chips (my weakness), I have NO CHOICE but to stay strong. As much as I’m hurting, I have no regrets. I know that all the events that have led up to this point happened for a reason. I was meant to be Milan’s mommy. She was meant to be my daughter. Together we will get through anything. XO
P.S – my favorite leopard flats from many years ago that I’ve worn into the ground is BACK – same brand and style. I ordered a pair and hope it’s as good as the ones I’m wearing.