I have no idea why I felt compelled to share what I did on Instagram tonight. I was having one of those moments where I wanted to be open and honest about what I was thinking at that exact moment. I didn’t plan to share it but I figured maybe it might help someone going through the same thing feel like they weren’t alone. I try to keep things pretty light, happy and positive on social media but we all know that is NOT real life. I don’t share too many personal things online but every now and then I open up and it feels good.
I didn’t even plan on blogging about this topic either but now my fingers won’t stop typing so I’m just going to go with it. I come from a big family, youngest of 7 kids. We are a loud, crazy Asian family and completely dysfunctional (lol). I’ve always wanted at least two kids and I know I’ve briefly joked on social media about trying to convince my husband to have a sibling for Milan. Well it’s not happening and I struggled with it for a long time. It’s not that I can’t have another baby (although I’m not getting any younger)…it’s because he simply doesn’t want any more kids.
After going through an awful miscarriage and then Milan’s surgery and infection at six weeks old (read more about it HERE) on top of being new parents put a major strain on our marriage. I think becoming parents in general changes everyone. Some for the better and some for the worse. No one ever talks about it but everyone I know with kids has admitted that it most definitely changes the dynamic of your marriage.
The plan was always to have at least two kids. I know how amazing it is to have siblings because my sisters and I are very close. The bond I share with them is unlike any other friendship or relationship. I want that type of bond for Milan. I want her to have someone to lean on when I’m gone. I never want her to be lonely. EVER.
We focused on our real estate business for many many years and waited for the “right” time. Well guess what, there is never going to be a RIGHT time. EVER. When I finally decided to leave my 7 figure income (read why HERE) to pursue my blog full time, we got pregnant shortly after. Then the miscarriage happened and drove me into a very dark place for a very long time. I buried myself in my blog and hid it from social media until a year after when I felt brave enough to share my story. You can read abut it HERE.
Luckily and by the grace of God, I got pregnant with Milan just a month after my miscarriage. I honestly think that it shocked my husband and neither of us thought it would happen that fast IF ever again. It scared both of us and he began down a road of being “over protective.” Understandable given what I went through the first time around. I don’t really want to go into details but there is a difference between being protective and taking it too far. Needless to say it wasn’t the pregnancy journey I had hoped for.
I have no idea where I’m going with all of this…just writing from my heart. Scrolling through my Instagram feed has been so difficult lately. Everyone seems to be getting pregnant with their first, second or third baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO HAPPY for anyone who is able to get pregnant. It’s truly a gift and I would never NOT be happy for someone who is carrying a life inside them. I started feeling sad and sorry for myself about Milan not having a sibling but I stopped myself. I gave myself a check up from the neck up. I cannot focus on what I don’t have or can’t have. It’s toxic and self-destructive. I want to focus on Miss Milan who is the best gift and blessing ever. If I’m only going to have one baby, how freaking lucky am I to have her?!!
The past four years have been life changing and I’ve learned a LOT about myself. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is never say never. People change, things happen, life changes and your world can flip upside down in a blink of an eye. I used to trust my instincts but for some reason my judgement has been clouded the past few years. Now I feel like I can see clearly. I’ve accepted the fact that Milan will be an only child and that’s ok. Everything happens for a reason and I will love her forever. I feel selfish for even talking about this because there are so many women that would love to have even one child. I’m just simply sharing my story and reminding myself to be grateful for what I do have. If you’re going through something similar, know that you are not alone. XO
Top: c/o Ann Taylor spotted turtleneck top (size XXS) | Skirt: c/o Bow front box pleated skirt (size XS, 3 colors) | Boots: c/o Vince Camuto (similar HERE or cheaper option HERE) | Hat: Abercrombie chunky knit pom beanie | Bag: Tory Burch (similar HERE)